One thing that scared and horrified me—along with everyone else in the country—was the shooting in Littleton, Colorado, of twelve high-school students by two boys the media said were involved in the Goth movement. Yet as I sat with Frostbite and other Goths, traded e-mail with Goth teens (known as "Baby Bats" by their older Goth siblings), and studied Goth-influenced music and literature, it became obvious that the Littleton killers had very little to do with the movement. What wasn't so obvious, however: what, exactly, is Goth?

That's not easy to answer, even when talking with Goths. For some, Goth seems primarily a fashion statement. Pale skin, not whiteface, is what I saw the most of at Nocturna night and elsewhere in Chi-town. Black nail polish, lipstick, eyeliner, and plenty of Victorian dress. Black was the predominant color but there were also a fair number of white or burgundy-colored peasant-type shirts and band T-shirts. Symbolic/religious jewelry like anhks, crosses, and accessories like coffin-shaped purses or bat earrings were ubiquitous.

But fashion was only part of it. It quickly became apparent to me that the average person's idea of what a Goth looks and acts like was a stereotype. Every Goth event I went to drew people who looked like they had stepped in from the yuppie bar across the street, and long-term Gothics assured me these people were regulars, often seen at concerts, and well-known at the clubs.

It didn't take me long to discover local Gothic celebrity Scary Lady Sarah, the queen of all things Chi-Goth and easily the most decked out Gothic I would meet. Together with her husband Eric, Scary Lady has tirelessly promoted Gothic music and culture through club deejaying and concert promotion for more than a decade. She makes regular trips to England (arguably the Gothic culture capital) and has been involved with Gothicism since the subculture's inception. "Ultimately there is sadness and despair in life, but Goth is about aggressively confronting it and using it to create something beautiful," she whispered. "If you can take your broken heart and use it to make a piece of music that people can enjoy and dance to and empathize with, then that's a good thing."

So where do Goths come from, I wondered aloud. "A lot of nerds and geeks grow up to be Goth," said Scary Lady. And just like many geeks, Goths often grow up feeling ostracized by the mainstream. I discovered this for myself at Projekt Fest. Put on by one of the major Goth-oriented record labels in the country, Chicago's Projekt Records, Projekt Fest showcases that label's bands. While there researching this article, I met Chad and Paul. Chad, who was raised a Baptist, began having problems fitting in when told that God hated dancing. An anti-rock seminar sponsored by his church broke the camel's back intellectually. Both Chad and Paul shared that their personal transition away from the mainstream and into Goth hadn't been easy, causing family friction and the necessity of abandoning a wide circle of friends. Like most older Goths, they claimed to have experienced a lot of harassment from the non-Goth community.

Listening to them I was tempted to doubt. Were they a little paranoid? Evidently not. After Projekt Fest ended I was walking to a nearby Dunkin' Donuts to meet my ride home. As a sports bar closed, I suddenly found myself walking past a few of the drunk jocks of the type that had terrified me in high school. I hastened my pace, spotting and catching up with Paul and Chad. They were also walking quickly, just ahead of a group of four of the very large drunks in question who were taunting them with homophobic slurs and threats. I slunk by, feeling glad not to be noticed.

Mistreatment of their scene by the press was another issue that seemed to strike directly to the heart of most Gothics. Sarah told the tale of receiving a phone call from an NBC-5 television station wanting to do a news story on the Gothic scene at Nocturna. Led to believe the story would center on the scene itself, she was instead outraged to see a half-baked report linking Goth with blood-drinking. She has since become choosier in giving interviews.

And as to what the general public seems to think of Goth? Lisa Feuer from Projekt had this unfortunate experience: "Every time I get on the bus to St. Louis where I grew up, someone asks me if I'm a Satanist. I do wear black and I often wear an Egyptian cross, but I'm not a Satanist!" The Satanist moniker has been increasingly hard to duck since people started associating rock musician Marilyn Manson with the Goth movement. Almost all long-term Gothics agree to a strong distaste for Manson, although they feel it important to affirm his right to free speech. All the Goths I met were quick to distance themselves from a band whose fanbase they felt was the domain primarily of troubled teenagers.

It's good to have that in mind as we explore modern Gothicism as a music-driven scene. While Goth has a huge presence on the web, especially via individual web pages, much of the content on those sites is music related. Almost every Goth site I visited had major portions devoted to a favorite band or album. And many of the Goths I found on the net were musicians themselves, worked at or ran labels or clubs, or worked in concert promotion.

For those under the age of twenty-one interested in GotHic things, there is often very little formal culture to attach themselves to. Clubs, the scene of many Goth concerts and events, are typically "Over 21" venues. Hence young proto-Goths are forced to make it up as they go along. As a group, Baby Bats seem to lack the focus of having entered into any well-defined subculture. But like their Goth elders, they are self-perceived outsiders.

Milling through the end-of-day crowd of students exiting Chicago's largest public high school, Lane Tech, revealed much about what Goth means to the young. Resisting the label Goth, many nonetheless confessed an attraction to the darker side. One young lady, Kristin, explained that she considered herself a Goth and offered as cultural examples of her adherence to that group the fact that she listens to Marilyn Manson, KMFDM, and Korn—groups not readily accepted as Goth by the older Goth community. Another young lady Kira, age fifteen, bristled when asked if she was Goth. "I can't answer that. I'm interested in Wicca [white witchcraft]. I feel really comfortable in black clothes. Most of my friends are all interested in the same things I am. I don't know what makes me tilt towards dark things, but I don't like labels."

Kira's statement was echoed by Sally, age 21, who contacted us via the internet. When asked about her affiliation to the Goth movement, she also resisted being labelled, though clearly well immersed in Gothic culture. "All the word 'Goth' does is conjure up images of 'weird people' who dye their hair an unflattering shade of bluish black' or even worse comparison's to the dreaded 'mansonite children'. Methinks not. Even apart from stereotypes is the irritation of being labelled at all."

Sally continued, "I wouldn't call myself Goth, although I've been into my.. tendencies...(the dark wardrobe and makeup, the romanticism, the 'dark' outlook on life, etc) since about 12 or 13. I never knew about the 'scene' till I was about 17. I just started hearing about people who acted and felt and dressed the same way I did."

As a group, Babybats seem to lack the focus of having entered into any well defined subculture. They are self-perceived outsiders. While teenagers in major US cities have a variety of clothing and music outlets to choose from, small town teens have to deck themselves out through the local thrift stores and records must be special ordered. And teenagers growing up outside of major US cities will usually find their pool of like-minded peers considerably smaller whatever their chosen cultural affiliations.

This should give pause. The Gothic subculture has remained relatively static in the twenty plus years it has existed. Most Gothics I talked to, young and old, tell the same story of being interested in Gothic things long before they were aware of the Gothic subculture.

Dressing all in black or listening to music that explores darker emotions may be an indication that a teen is trying to answer the "big questions." Why am I here? What is life all about? What is death all about? In fact that same child may wrongly view the slow steady stable footsteps of their parents as a sign that the parents are unaware of the importance of asking such questions. The child may even have decided that the parent will not take them seriously. And sometimes the child may be right. One young Goth, after experiencing a devastating breakup with his girlfriend commented on the response of his parents to his pain, "To them, all of this seems rather foolish and petty, but to me at that time in my life, it was my world. Yet my parents and most other adults told me to forget it and that these things 'just happen'. It was horrible to feel so alone."

Raven, an eighteen year old Goth we met via the net, wrote "Goth is darkness. Not evil darkness, but emotional darkness: sadness, loneliness, despair, even betrayal. However, the whole reason we're Goth (and still alive) is because we turn those things around. We live our own lives and try to deal with the strangeness and wrongness that may occur in our lives. Goth is not wallowing in despair, but living your own life. Like many people, our lives have usually been affected somehow by the 'darker' emotions--but we're not afraid to let these emotions out." Or to explore them one might add, in light of the fact that Raven, like many young Goths, also happens to be a Christian.

Raven's dark romanticism is most purely distilled in Goth music. Here's what Sarah had to say when asked about the view that Gothic music was primarily a negative music, "First I want to remind people that a lot of Gothic bands and songs celebrate joyous things. And there is often a sense of despair, but maybe a better word would be forlorn. The music expresses the way I feel. It keeps me from turning in on myself. I love and hold dear the poems of the Pre-Raphaelites for the same reason. In a way they were the Goths of their time, looked at as unconventional and criticized for it. Their poems are sad and beautiful at the same time. Like Goth music they go on very poetically and artfully about these different aspects of humannature without calling any one aspect bad or saying that you're finished because of it. You can examine it and go on."

It's no accident that most long term Goths have a first love for older bands such as Bau Haus and Souix and the Banshees, but the young might ask, "Who died and made you Goth?" The fans of Manson and NiN may well redefine Goth for later generations. And why shouldn't they? If older Goths feel babybats or poseurs miss the point of the Gothic aesthetic then they must be able to articulate that point themselves beyond vague appeals to the romantic. But if Goth is merely an aesthetic one brings baggage to then why should one person complain about someone else's bags?

Lisa Feur touches on another aspect of Goth. "Our age of technology offers logical explanations for everything. I think we suffer from that. There are no modern day myths. People in the Goth scene are looking for something more mysterious or romantic than surfing the web or their boring corporate jobs."

But must one be Goth to feel this hunger? A cynic might say that Goth's nebulous appeal to romanticism places it squarely in the mainstream it purports to transcend. To understand how, one need only take a hard look at today's cultural landscape awash with both dark and light appeals to otherworldliness. As pointed out by Mark Edmundson in his telling take on Gothicism, Nightmare on Main Street, the bland romanticism that Lisa Feur refers to and the mass hunger for it not only allows Projekt Records its niche in the marketplace but conversely allows Forrest Gump to spawn its cottage industry. And Oprah Winfrey has made an extraordinarily successful career out of her mushy mix of New Age Spirituality, Christianity, and (according to Edmundson) gothic themes. "Oprah's guests are frequently addicted--our current word for the traditional Gothic term 'haunted.' They're addicted to drugs, sex, shopping, abuse, whatever and it sometimes seems there is no hope for them. But periodically.... [Oprah] up and affirms freedom in the most facile terms: you will be what you will yourself to be."

Goths tend to react to what Edmundson calls Oprah's "facile transcendence" with skepticism. It is too easy, too glib. The darkness doesn't give way so willingly. Yet when it comes to answering the question of dealing with one's addictions, one's ghosts, Goths often have no more coherent answers than does Oprah.

The Vampire Book, J. Gordon Melton's commentary on Gothic literature, further underscores this central problem. "Gothic literature evolved out of the inner-self, with all of it's emotive, non-rational, and intuitive aspects. Thus it emerged as a form of romanticism, but confronted the darker shadowy side of the self. At [their] best, gothic works force the reader to consider all that society calls evil in human life." But, one asks, from what point of view? How does Goth perceive what is good and evil? Perhaps we can gain insight into this question by briefly examining how Gothics embrace the vampire as an icon.

While the Goth/vampire connection has been sensationalized in the mainstream press, I found little to support the idea that most Gothics, young or old, are involved in real-life vampirism: I.e., blood-drinking. What I did find was a pervasive saturation of vampire images within the subculture.

Anne Rice's literary vampire is the logical place to start. Besides being the forerunner of the current vampire craze, her Interview With a Vampire posits a world where vampires are notafraid of crosses or holy water. They freely enter churches and have many of the same spiritual questions as mortals. Vampires have been part of Gothicism from it's earliest time but this view of them is quite a departure from their original evil life-stealing, soul damning persona. This more positive view is in fact, now the norm. Authors such as Nancy Collins, Poppy Z. Brite, and Chelsea Quin Yarbourough have done much to re-vamp the vampire into a semi-tragic Byronic anti-hero.

For the vast majority of Gothics, and other more mainstream fans the desire to embrace the vampire as a symbol or passive fantasy seems more closely connected to the mystery that attracts viewers to The X-Files with it's promise that "The Truth Is Out There", or to Star Trek's promise to "Boldly Go Where No man Has Gone Before." But it's also connected with the reassignment of the vampire as a superior being beholden to no authority, human or otherwise. Rice's vampire is able to dispense with conventional definitions of good and evil by forging it's own tortured individualistic path. Byron and the romantics would probably be proud of their Great Grand Goth-Children.

But if life is reduced to an individual's consumption of dark experience in the search for self authentication, maybe the vampire persona is more appropriate than Goths might wish. Rice's vampires seem to be authenticated by suffering, not by goodness. Who is to say the vampire is any better, or worse, off than the mundane mortal decaying in her coffin?

The irony of this hit me during my interview with Scary Lady Sarah and her husband Eric. We met at their place of business, Space, Time and Tanks, where customers could buy a session in one of several sensory deprivation tanks.

Later, I thought about the tanks, and was struck forcibly by one possible symbolic meaning they held. In such a tank/coffin, a person's five senses are cut off so that only what comes from within remains. One is immersed in the darkness without any light, and by confronting this darkness is supposed to find meaning previously hidden from view. So it can sometimes seem with Goth; one searches for hidden beauty and meaning by intentionally focusing on the sorrowful, the lost, the dark.

But the problem with a sensory deprivation tank is this: it requires a maximum of lassitude, of passivity, on the part of the person inside. Goth, at its worst, is not about gunmen in high schools. It is about the passive acceptance of despair as an end-point, a supposedly beautiful final chapter. If no truth exists, and thus no thrill of the high romance in chasing that truth, perhaps the sadness of truth's lack must become the only romance there is. C.S. Lewis spoke of this kind of attachment in The Great Divorce (a ghost story by the way with a truly chilling Gothic feel) when he described a painter who would rather produce an image of a majestic heavenly country than actually go there. Such a romance has forgotten its own purpose, namely, to have an object other than itself.

One could presumably be greatly moved by a painting, book, or movie describing the betrayal and crucifixion of Jesus, all without ever loving Jesus. Frankly, there are some threads of Christian mysticism that border on such false romanticizing of suffering. Just as Goth's concern with the reality of sorrow and shadow is echoed in true Christianity, Goth's glib admiration of the tragic can be echoed in immature religiosity. In the end, Goth runs into the very limitations that us "mundanes" often discover in our romantic yearnings. Romance itself must be grounded in fidelity to the Real to move beyond feeling. Romance is meant to unfold into love, commitment and permanence. Many of Goth's namesakes, including Byron, MaryShelley, and others, had no conception of fidelity... and thus no true conception of themselves. What is a shadow without a reality behind it?

None of this negates the very real human need of the individual to assert personal and cultural individuality particularly in a world that has, according to the Christian version of history, fallen from grace. Surrounded by the realities of death, decay, sin, selfishness, an individual, especially an ultimately hopeful one, could very rightly have the desire to assert that any perceived solution to these problems must first acknowledge them and not just with some facile charismatic pose. If Johnny Cash can wear black clothes, why not Scary Lady Sarah?

And perhaps that's the point. The man in black may be a Satanist... but he more likely might be a preacher. As way-stations on the road toward Christ, Gothic sorrow and shadow and darkness can have a prominent place. As endings, they lead nowhere.

I'd like to briefly thank Thor Uremovich and Joey Glad who were my buddies as I delved into the dungeon. I'd also like to thank Don Hill and Joe Kopnick for letting me tag along to Projekt Fest. And lastly thanks to all my myriad interviewees. You were gracious and very tolerant of this mundane.