Cornerstone Magazine

I am not a teenager anymore. I have heard your rap on dating and right relationships and feel that many of your guidelines are fine for teens, but, hey, I'm an adult! I feel that some of your suggestions are unnecessary for a mature Christian adult. Why shouldn't I go out with a friend regardless of their religious beliefs? We are just friends and not all my friends are Christians. And isn't it impractical not to have your friend over to your apartment? What's the problem with having dinner at my house? What if my friend is from out of town and needs a place to stay while visiting; why shouldn't he stay with me?

Okay. So you are not a kid anymore! It seems to be symptomatic of the young adult stage to feel that when you reach a certain age milestone you have outgrown the "restrictions" or basic rules for living you were under as a teenager. Actually, as you grow older you should realize that wisdom is ageless and discipline is a lifelong necessity. Age doesn't change the basic realities of our humanness or the nature of truth. Examine your motives and make sure you aren't carrying over the common adolescent line-riding, envelope-pushing attitude of seeing what rights you can negotiate and what actions you can get away with and still be a "Christian," or you will find yourself fighting with God and His Word.

Let me give you an example. When my three daughters were younger they argued with us about the movie-viewing standards my husband and I upheld in our family. There is no mention of movies, television, or videos in the Bible, but we felt (and still do) that as Christians we have to apply Christian ethical and moral standards to our entertainment choices. Now if the secular raters label a movie/video with a PG-13 parental discretion warning, then as a Christian parent I believe my movie rating standards should be at least that discriminatory. Our daughters assured us that once they graduated from high school they would watch whatever movies they desired. So in their minds they equated movie guidelines with childishness, not for adults, and believed that once they arrived at that mythical state of adulthood no one would tell them what to do. They would watch whatever movies/videos they wanted. Hmmm?

Does this seem familiar to your situation? Do any of us ever outgrow the need for godly instruction and common sense? I think you are confusing your personal "rights" with what is wise behavior. Can you have a potential romantic interest over to your apartment for dinner and an evening of friendly conversation? Can you have an out-of-town friend stay overnight at your apartment? Sure, it's legal and even acceptable behavior in our society. But you are asking the wrong questions. You should be asking, should I invite my friend to a cozy dinner for two, or invite him to sleep on the couch at my place during his out-of-town visits?

Paul ran into a similar problem in Corinth. Paul clarified this dilemma in 1 Corinthians 10:23 (amp.), "All things are legitimate--permissible, and we are free to do anything we please; but not all things are helpful (expedient, profitable and wholesome). All things are legitimate, but not all things are constructive [to character] and edifying [to spiritual life]." He wrote the Galatian church, "For you, brethren, were [indeed] called to freedom; only [do not let your] freedom be an incentive to your flesh and an opportunity or excuse [for selfishness] (Gal. 5:13 Amp.). The apostle Peter instructed us to "[live] as free people, [yet] without employing your freedom as a pretext for wickedness; but [live at all times] as servants of God" (1 Pet. 2:16 Amp.).

Most Christian single women do not awaken and suddenly plan to sin sexually or let a romance get out of control. But it is so easy to justify what we want to do. Unfortunately, it is a little compromise here, a little naiveté there mixed with a large dose of unwise decisions, and we end up with pain and disobedience. Sometimes we are just plain blind to how A leads to B and together they add up to C. That is why a seemingly silly list of dating dos and don'ts can prevent sexual trouble and misunderstandings in your relationships. Another point to consider is the fact that men generally interpret situations differently than women. He might think that an overnight visit or a cozy candlelight dinner is an invitation to physical intimacy where you are only considering logistics. What signals are you sending your friend? Are you placing a stumbling block in front of him? Yes, a Christian man is just as vulnerable to temptation as any other man.

The ante increases as we grow older. It is now more important as an adult to choose wisely in all matters of the heart. First, let's answer the "who should I date" question. I remember my mother's advice, "Don't date non-Christians because one day you will fall in love and marry someone you have dated." Of course, I was aggravated with her wise words and asked sarcastically if she thought Christians were "superior" people. She answered, "Not always. There are wonderful people who have never accepted the Savior, but to marry such a person would be a lifetime of heartaches. You would never be able to have that true unity of the heart with a non-Christian whose values would be based on personal feelings and cultural norms. It is best to never become romantically involved with an unbeliever in the first place."

She also warned of wolves in sheep's clothing. "Just because they go to church and claim Christianity doesn't mean that they are Christians. Look at their lives. Are they based on biblical lifestyle and values? If not, then don't date them either."

Needless to say, at the time I thought my mother's thinking was hopelessly antiquated. Now as a Christian I find her wise words jumping from the Bible. "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. . . . What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?" (2 Cor. 6:14-15 niv). Paul writes "not to associate (closely and habitually) with unchaste (impure) people; not [meaning of course that you must] altogether shun the immoral people of this world, or the greedy graspers and cheats and thieves or idolaters, since otherwise you would need to get out of the world and human society altogether! But now I write to you not to associate with any one who bears the name of [Christian] brother, if he is known to be guilty of immorality or greed, or is an idolater--that is, whose soul is devoted to any object that usurps the place of God--or [is] a person with a foul tongue. . . . or is a drunkard, or a swindler or a robber. [No] you must not so much as eat with such a person" (1 Cor. 5:9-11 Amp.). There is also the general friendship rule of thumb found in 1 Corinthians 15:33 (niv), "Do not be mislead: 'Bad company corrupts good character.' "

For the Christian adult, these "restrictions" define the dating eligibility list. It would be ludicrous to pray about becoming romantically involved with an unbeliever, because Scripture already tells us no! This has nothing to with age either. Also, we should never use romance to manipulate a person to go to church or give mouth service to God. Romance is no place for evangelism. You don't need to window-shop constantly either, but anyone you go out with should be a scripturally marriageable person.

Some of my favorite advice on matters of the heart comes from a secular book The Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. It lists thirty-five old-fashioned tips that essentially say, play hard to get, don't call him, don't see him more often than once or twice a week, don't open up too fast, and most importantly, don't play house without a license, a marriage license that is! Emotional, spiritual, and physical involvement should not progress beyond your personal commitment to each other; take it slow and honor God's Word in your life.

We invite our readers to e-mail Wendi with your questions at or write her at Ask Wendi, c/o Cornerstone, 939 W. Wilson Ave., Chicago, IL 60640.

Published in Cornerstone (ISSN 0275-2743), Vol. 29, Issue 118 (2000), p. 12-15
© 2000 Cornerstone Communications, Inc.
Electronic version may contain minor changes and corrections from printed version.