Ask Wendi

Questions on Dating & Sex

By Wendi Kaiser

At Cornerstone Festival this year, I taught a seminar on Teens and Sexuality. We had a great time. Among written questions I received from fest-goers were these three:

My friends tell me that only sexual intercourse before marriage is a sin and that everything else is okay. Is sexual intercourse before marriage the only "sin" or is everything beyond kissing sinful, too? I'm kind of confused. I know petting isn't right but is it a "sin"?

My boyfriend and I are wondering how far is too far?

Is it wrong to set your "line" farther than kissing? How about French kissing and some mild fondling ?

Dear Serious Singles,

I call you serious because you have stopped and asked an important question. There is a lot of hype in the teen scene about "outercourse" (oral sex, mutual masturbation, manual sexual stimulation to orgasm) as an "acceptable" alternative to sexual intercourse. Of course, there is even our President's case where he did not believe he'd had sex with someone because they had only engaged in heavy petting (skin to skin sexual touching ) and oral sex. This is an attitude that is gaining popularity around the country but is this acceptable for the Christian?

I call this the "how close to the edge can I get without falling off the cliff" attitude. In the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5-7), Jesus addressed this all too common attitude with, "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' (He is referring to the Ten Commandments here.) But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." So Jesus upped the ante on sexual sin from just committing the technical act to including the mental fantasies and inward desires towards another person sexually outside of your marriage. WOW!! And OW!!

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things Put to death therefore whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry" (Col. 3:2-3). In 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4,6, we are told that, "it is God's will that you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him." Sexual foreplay such as fondling breast, genitals and oral sex do not come under holy and honorable activities and will certainly not put to death lust, impurity or evil desires!

2 Timothy 2:22 tells to "flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." What does the Bible mean by sexual immorality, impurity, lust and evil desires? It includes the intentional stirring up in yourself and/or others sexual desires that can not be satisfied outside of marriage, being preoccupied by sensuous feelings and pursuing their gratification, manipulating others emotionally and physically to gratify yourself, disregarding God's intention for sexual expression in marriage only. God intended sex for marriage only and wants us to have an active married sex life with much passion and mutual satisfaction. Sex is too powerful and sacred to be practiced outside of marriage. Do not play house without a license!!

Why? Paul instructs the Corinthian church about sexual behavior with, "The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body" (1 Cor. 6:13, 18:20).

You say, "OK, all right already, I get the picture but where is the line?" You have to have a basic understanding of sexual biology and puberty to understand what I am going to say now. I believe that if you are really serious about honoring your boyfriend or girlfriend and God's guidelines on premarital sexual behavior then simple hugging (not full body smashes) and kissing (not French kissing) are the safest limit. Now maybe you girls think you can French-kiss for fifteen minutes regularly without being sexually aroused and wanting more, but guys can't. They are just wired totally different and have a very short fuse especially during their teen years when their sexual hormones are flooding their bodies and minds. This is perfectly normal and does not mean that guys are sex maniacs. They just have to learn how to live at peace sexually and be wise in the area of expressing physical affection.

By the way, the human tongue is considered one of our most responsive erogenous zones with thousands of sensitive nerve cells (endings?). Way too hot for dating! Why would Christians honestly want to arouse one another sexually on a regular basis outside of marriage anyway? It is sort of like putting a steak dinner in front of a hungry person and saying, "Just smell, don't touch or eat!"

You are being foolish and ignorant if you believe you can make-out (French-kiss and/or touch sexually with clothing on) week after week with someone whom you are romantically involved without falling into more serious sexual play and even sexual intercourse. In marriage counseling they call such activities as "making out," foreplay, getting ready for sexual intercourse. What signals are you sending each other and why?

Many singles put physical involvement level before actual commitment. This is a serious mistake and will leave you feeling used. Draw the line when you start a relationship and give your reasons for your standards. You will be surprised, most Christians will agreed and those who don't are serious relational risks so good riddance. You should never pressure a person sexually or allow yourself to be pressured sexually. The best policy is to avoid situations and activities that could lead to serious temptations such as being alone in a closed bedroom, parked car, darkened basement family room, or any house or apartment without others around. Wisdom also says avoid movies, videos and printed material which will get your mind going in an ungodly direction. I am thinking about the fire prevention ads where smoky bear says, "Only you can prevent forest fires." Don't start fires, folks. "Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?" (Prov. 6: 27).

We infite our readers to email Wendi with your questions or write her at Ask Wendi, c/o Cornerstone magazine, 939 W. Wilson Ave., Chicago, IL 60640.